Go home, experts. Your pickups can also be muted for the rest of Euro 2020.
You just won’t get past the moment Graeme Souness stood at Wembley Stadium, looked at millions of English fans and said: ‘Football is not coming home I can tell you that’. Consider planting the Galatasaray flag, but even more satisfying.
Souness shone again the following afternoon in the ITV studio, which Gary Neville described Friday night as “a sobering experience for England”.
Not as sobering as listening to 90 minutes in the company of Lee Dixon, a man for whom Curb Your Enthusiasm is not so much a comedy as an instruction.
Portugal v Germany was a six-goal thriller, but hearing Dixon’s subdued tones over the action was like trying to listen to your favorite artist’s new album while your mom’s boyfriend repeatedly took off your headphones and said “Had yer maw”.
The mood was hardly more cheerful in the BBC studio for Hungary vs. France. “More build-up to come after England’s reflections against Scotland,” Gary Lineker said, with all the enthusiasm of a GB News presenter reading an email from Mike Oxlong or Harry Kane overhearing the words “Grant” and “Hanley”.
Lineker and Alan Shearer rated the previous night’s game in darker tones more worthy of a state funeral. An unusual approach. I mean, if my the team was sort of undefeated despite just one shot on target, I’d love to.
Lineker’s mood was brighter for Spain against Sweden, possibly due to the presence of Micah Richards, a man who constantly radiates the vibes of the ‘first calippo of summer’.
After a dose of Richards Sanitation, it was hard to imagine whatever lower the mood.
‘Joined by Danny Murphy’.
John Hartson brought the double thinking for Italy against Wales.
“Verratti wins a controversial free kick. I thought it was a mistake. “So … not controversial?
“It’s a tampon on his ankle. I don’t think that’s a red card. So … one of those yellow card ankle pads? “