Home Stamp collecting My condition hampers my interpretation of headlines and signs

My condition hampers my interpretation of headlines and signs

0

Content of the article

I was recently self diagnosed with LTD: Lateral Thinking Disorder. I define this condition as: A chronic habit of misinterpreting information from seemingly unrelated angles.

Content of the article

According to the Canadian Institute for Lazy Psychoanalysis (CILP), extensive clinical studies prove unequivocally (if CILP was not invented by me) that I am making this all up, that there are two forms of brain-triggered logic:

Left-brain, “vertical” logic: the classic approach to interpretation using step-by-step procedures from clear data. (IE.Sane)

Right brain, “horizontal” logic: Lady Gaga.

As I get older (in the words of embalmed living Keith Richards), I want to grow old and I constantly find myself looking at things from seemingly derailed frames of reference. I first noticed my ILD symptom a few months ago while staring at a STOP sign: I sat in my car thinking, “Stop what?” This was shortly followed by a widespread inability to discard any packaged food item labeled “best before (date)” because I wonder if that just means it’s “not as good but still okay after ( date).” (Why can’t he just say, Throw it away?)

Every time I pass a train of cones with no road workers and come to a sign that says END OF CONSTRUCTION, I mumble, “Yeah. | Why don’t you?”

The most serious manifestation of my imagined sickness is an increasing difficulty in correctly interpreting headlines. For example:

“To what extent should the electric train project be transparent? – Well, not so much that you can’t see the trains coming and going. And you shouldn’t be able to see through the stations either.

“The city’s fall leaf collection starts today” – Why would anyone collect leaves? It’s a boring hobby, especially at this time of year when they’re so fragile. It would make more sense to collect them directly from the trees while they are fresh. Also, some newer developments don’t have as much variety there. Anyway, even philately is more interesting (although I’d rather stick a nail in my nose.)

Content of the article

My LTD has become particularly chronic over everything written about dog parks:

“Retarded Local Dog Pen” – Why would anyone bother slowing down a dog?

“The city won’t make its parks dog-free zones” – Although it’s a good idea, you can get free dogs at any shelter.

“The city is going to have a new dog park” – What about old dogs, should they be discriminated against? What is the age limit and how will it be enforced?

“A large dog park is opening soon” – And small dogs, what is chopped liver?

Generally speaking, why do we need dog parks? I can see it with cars, but why park a dog and then leave it unattended? And forget the cat pens, let alone trying to herd them.

My friends tell me that I just torture them with pointless puns. Then they roll their eyes and say what my wife and my readers have been saying for years: “You’re not funny.” Although my better half has a more nuanced explanation for my LTD: “You never listen.” Although I disagree with her because I don’t listen to her when she says it, I have noticed an increase in marital “episodes” such as:

Her: “Have you thought about taking the cat out?”

Me: “I didn’t even know I was fighting with it.”

Her: “You’re not funny.”